Do you have a harsh inner critic that just won't stop complaining?
Is there a voice in your head that harps on you for even the smallest things?
Does it feel sometimes like this negative voice is trying to break you down, derail your progress, and make you feel miserable?
You should've folded the laundry already, it'll say.
Ugh, look at that belly flat, you're such a slob, it'll say.
You're never gonna earn this contractor's license, why bother trying, it'll say.
You're never gonna reconcile with your dad, what a terrible daughter you are, it'll say.
You're not good enough, you're hopeless, you don't deserve good things, it'll say.
I want to tell you three things about this inner critic.
First, you're not alone. So many of us have a harsh inner critic. Having a harsh inner critic does not mean there's anything wrong with you. It simply means that you, like so many of us, are a human with an ego. Recognizing this, you can take your ego's attacks less personally, which leads to less worry and agony. You can recognize the ego doing its thing, which frees you to do your thing: being your unique, loving, capable self.
Second, you don't have to believe the critic. One of the most empowering techniques you can practice is gently questioning the critic's claims. The simplest way is to ask: is that true? When we pause and question the critic's claims, we reduce its influence over us, and we rediscover that we're so much more powerful and compassionate than the critic would have us believe.
Third, you can treat the critic as your friend. Instead of seeing the critic as merely an enemy who's trying to drag you down, treat the critic as a friend who's inviting you to approach the moment differently. This is the primary message I have for you today: see inner criticism as an opportunity to praise yourself.
I call it "filling your cup."
When the critic starts hammering you for this or that, see that criticism as an invitation to pause, breathe, and praise yourself for something good you've done that day. Instead of draining your cup into negative thinking, fill your cup with a genuine expression of praise.
It might look something like this:
inner critic: "Seriously, you haven't washed the dishes yet?! You're so blipping lazy."
you: [pause...] [breathe...] "Nice job feeding the dogs and giving them fresh water this morning. You took good care of them. And when you gave them belly rubs, you really brightened their day."
Later, the critic rises up again:
inner critic: "You haven't jogged in over a week now! Do you really wanna become a fat, unhealthy mess?"
you: [pause...] [breathe...] "Good work going to the grocery store after work. That was a good thing you did for your family. Now there's plenty of good food to eat and enjoy."
When you treat the inner critic's complaints as an invitation to praise yourself, you give yourself three gifts.
First, you detach from the criticism, so you don't become so consumed by it. You break the runaway train of negativity and avoid spiraling down into worry and self-doubt.
Second, you give yourself a refreshing splash of loving positivity. Rather than rushing from task to task, you pause and recognize the good that you're already doing. In this way, the "little things" in life become cause for celebration, because you appreciate the roles these seemingly little things play in your health and happiness.
Third, you train your mind to be more appreciative and grateful. The more consistently you fill your cup, the more you train the mental muscle that recognizes the benefits of your daily activities. The stronger this muscle grows, the more effortlessly and powerfully you can express genuine gladness, both to yourself and to others. This brings more warmth and connection into your relationships and your personal life, which empowers you to live less from fearful reactivity and more from loving authenticity.
Here's the takeaway:
When the inner critic starts attacking, see that as an opportunity to fill your cup by praising yourself for a good thing you've recently done.
At first, this exercise can be surprisingly difficult. The inner critic may downplay your expressions of praise as pointless, weak, pathetic, etc. That discouragement can be overwhelming, especially when you're just starting out in the practice. And, because you're learning a new skill, it requires more effort and focus at first, which can be frustrating and draining.
So start light and easy. Don't force it. And don't try to hit a home run. Look for simple things to praise, and express your praise in an easy, natural way.
"Nice job parking."
"I cleaned that bowl well."
"I remembered to take my vitamins, good work."
As you become more comfortable in the practice, try to practice more often, and try to expand your expressions of praise - see if you can string together 3 - 4 sentences of praise for a job well done. Here's how that might look:
"I'm so proud of myself. I wrote a thoughtful birthday card to my brother. I love him so much and I want him to know it. I'm so glad I told him how much he means to me."
A harsh inner critic is part of the human condition.
Hating the critic, we become the critic, and we lose ourselves in its fearful negativity.
Treating inner criticism as an invitation to fill our cups, we transform the harsh critic from an enemy to a friend, and we develop our innate skill for cultivating appreciation, gratitude, and gladness.
Good luck filling your cup today!
Love,
Joe
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